Wow. I’ve never been good at this whole sharing thing. I learned my entire life to keep things bottled up inside. To just compartmentalize and wrap the confusing/hurtful/stressful thing up in a neat little package that is sealed in plastic, tied to a cinder-block and dumped into the ocean of my subconscious.
And I’ve been very successful. Great life. Great family. Great church. Great job. Completely miserable.
For you see, there’s been one thing in my life that I’ve never been able to successfully compartmentalize–my sexuality. Oh, I’ve tried to deny it. On the outside I’m an alpha male–just like society says I’m supposed to be. Respectful? To be sure. I don’t make crass jokes. I’m not a womanizer. Just a normal, intelligent guy who is a little self deprecating. To quote T.S. Eliot, I’m politic, cautious, and meticulous; Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse.
But on the inside? On the inside I want to be utterly owned, body, soul, and mind. On the inside I crave to have my agency taken away. On the inside I long to serve–to be made to do despicable, disgusting and humiliating things at the whim and demand of my goddess owner.
I have always been very good at pushing these desires, these yearnings down, down, down. As I’ve gotten older, however, I’ve found that they refuse to stay on the ocean floor no matter how much weight I use. Then, poof, something changed. I met someone. I was drawn to Her like iron to a magnet, a little at a time. The more I learned about Her the stronger that attraction becomes. Turns out, she really really likes being in control (and she’s good at it). And so I found myself at the ever so poetic two roads that diverged in a yellow woods.
On the one hand, I could continue to try to keep the submissive part of me hidden and buried. Continue to watch femdom porn on the sly, always feeling the sting of guilt and remorse. Maybe eventually visit a professional domme and satiate my desires, always in secret and under constant fear of discovery. Or I could try to accept that I am as God made me and make the most of my time remaining on Earth and share my life and my affinities with an incredible, powerful goddess that was perfectly complementary to me.
I decided to get busy living.
I have no idea where this road will lead. I don’t fully accept myself yet although I am becoming more and more comfortable. This blog is an effort to continue that self-actualization. My plan, such as it is, is to post my experiences, both with my goddess and in my past. I hope to expound on my desires; explore their genesis and take them as far as I am able.
I’ve heard it said that there are 100 submissive men for every dominant woman out there. I’m not sure that I believe those numbers, but what I do believe is that there are many other men like me. Perfectly wonderful men with families that have made the decision to deny who they are at their core because they believe they are deviant, broken toys. If I can help some of them with my posts it will have all been worth it.