In future posts I’m sure that I will explore why I am wired the way that I am, not that I know (or will ever know) completely. I have some hypotheses but that is for another time as the mood strikes. I wanted to talk more about the present and share what I believe to be true about myself (I don’t say “know” because I expect to constantly learn more about myself as I explore with my goddess). I am a firm believer that there is nothing new under the sun so I cannot possibly be a unique snowflake. I’d love to hear from others who share a similar wiring–please consider leaving a comment.
Axiom 1: I am truly submissive
It’s not about kinky sex play (although that is really awesome). My submission does not wane after I’ve had the privilege of getting my rocks off. If anything, I feel more submissive afterward. But I am happiest when I am simply ordered about with no need for extraneous thought. Don’t misunderstand me — it is my choice to submit. It is a gift that I freely give. There’s no gun to my head; I’m not being blackmailed or coerced. I simply feel it is the one way I can truly show Her how much I adore her.
Axiom 2: But only to Her
I’ve never trusted anyone. I’ve kept my submissive secret for more than three decades. Never talking about it. Never posting anonymously on the internet about it. Never really looking for someone to dominate me, at least not consciously or overtly. But I trust my goddess completely and utterly. She is the kindest person I’ve ever met. She truly cares about others as much as herself. She cares about me more than I care about me. She’s taught me what love is and made me realize that I’ve never experienced actual love before. Oh, and she’s sexy as fuck too.
In other words, I feel safe to give up all control to her. The minute I slip into sub-space it’s like all rational thought leaves my mind and I just want to please Her. While we have a safeword (since, after all we are complete novices at this), I’ve only needed to use it one time (and was a bit of a wuss so I immediately regretted it). I fully expect that I will very rarely, if ever, need to use it going forward. That’s how complete my trust is in this incredible woman.
Axiom 3: It has to be REAL
Interestingly, I had no idea when I fell head over heels for Her that she would enjoy being dominant. I just know that I was magnetically drawn to her. We had been friends for years but there was never anything sexual or inappropriate in our conversations — we were just very open and honest with each other and shared our thoughts and feelings. When I fell, I fell hard, and when I finally spoke with her about how I was beginning to feel about her, there wasn’t a thought in my mind that we might have this dynamic.
I don’t recall how the conversation came up about my being submissive but it wasn’t terribly long after the previous conversation. And I remember that we were making out and she started to bite me quite painfully. In my mouth, on my chest leaving welts and bruises. I asked Her if she was enjoying it and she took my hand and showed me how wet and aroused she was just from our light play. She was genuinely loving every minute of it. And that was the thing that most drove me out of my mind. The fact that she got off on dominating me.
So it has to be real. As someone who has watched far, far too much femdom porn over the years, I can tell IMMEDIATELY if it’s real or acting. And I have no interest in watching the fake stuff. So the fact that She loves it, I know She loves it, and She knows that I know that She loves it makes it mind-blowingly incredible. It makes me want to do more and more and more to show my devotion.